I'll Take All The Blame, Aqua Seafoam Shame

This is going to be selfish. But then, I suppose any sort of bloggering is going to be. I just don't want this to make things worse, but somehow, I know it will. Or would, if you ever were to become aware of it.

I need to apologize. To a lot of people, probably, but the only two I know by name are Brittany Hatch and Jael Strauss. And it's pretty much because I know their names that I got into this. Anyway, as such, I'm going to address the rest of this directly to one or both of them.

I came to Savannah for my sister's graduation. But that was on Saturday. So I shouldn't even have still been there Monday night. But I was. And certainly I shouldn't have been at that bar. I rarely am at such a place. My sister had gone there Saturday night and asked if I wanted to come and I didn't. I told her if her friend Angela or Brittany Hatch showed up though, that she should call me. It was a joke. She didn't even know what you looked like (she still doesn't.) Although she did call Angela the next day. Anyway, I didn't go. So when it came up again on Monday it came as little surprise that I didn't go again, even though I was due to leave the next morning and a normal person would think, I should spend this time with my sister even if she wants to go to a place I won't enjoy being at. Anyway, I didn't go.

But then she called to tell me there was a band playing (The Square Sruts) wherein a girl was playing a washboard and it was amazing. Obviously, my sister knows me well enough to know that if there's a girl playing a weird instrument, or really anyone playing a weird instrument, that I'll overcome my aversion to bars and the people that inhabit them for it. And so I did.

And it was worth it even though I had to meet this guy Ben who by all accounts is a huge jerk but whom my sister apparently likes anyway. It was worth it even though some girl who works there, but wasn't working Monday night burned me with her cigarette. I was in control of myself not to say to her, "It's okay, my mother used to do that to me all the time, so I'm used to it." Because of course that implies something that not only isn't true, but that she shouldn't have to concern herself with. I mention this because it shows I wasn't in some any way impaired at the time. Because it wasn't long after that that you came in.

Earlier there was a tall girl with reddish hair that resembled you from behind, and I thought, that'd be really weird if after all the times I've joked about seeing you while I was here, that you'd come in to this place at this time. But then she turned around and it wasn't you. And I was kind of relieved. Because then I wouldn't have the ridiculous regret of being in a room with somebody you recognize and not talking to them. Because of course I knew I would never do that.

So back to you walking in. I didn't even notice at first. It wasn't until Jael and her two friends went by that something seemed weird. And it was weird. Before I saw the Manifer tatoo on Jael's neck I was just thinking, the East Village just walked in. What are these people doing? It's not as if there was some kind of type in this place that anyone not adhering to it would seem out of place. There was that Australian guy (who I can't believe wasn't hovering around you instantly as he had everyone else at some point) who had his Outback hat and all red tourist outfit on and he didn't seem all that strange to see there. But Jael's crazy yellow hair and spandex dress that looked like it belonged on a six year old ballet student and the little one's sideways Yankee hat and the blond one's 80's aerobic workout shirt brought with them an aura. That's all I've got to describe it. I really felt like something had happened when they came in. And then I saw Manifer and I knew.

So obviously it shouldn't be a big deal. For me. For you. For anyone. But it kind of is. I don't want it to be. I don't have anything to say to you that's going to enhance either of our lives. I don't want your autograph or anything stupid like that. Clearly you're very pretty people, but I don't care about that. But you become the focus when you come into a place. Maybe for anybody, with or without the crazy dress and uninhibited dancing. But certainly for somebody who watched the show you were on with such regularity. Thank goodness the band had stopped playing while you were there or I'd have had a hard time watching the washboard playing, which, after all, was the reason I'd ventured out in the first place.

But none of this excuses what I did. I'm still not sure really, why I took my phone out. Or why I thought you wouldn't notice. Or even why I thought I could take a picture that would come out in a place so dark. But it never should have happened. I'm not even positive that's why you left, because it seems like one of your group would have said something to me, even if on the way out. But it doesn't matter. The only reason I can come up with is that I didn't think I would be able to describe what Jael was wearing to anyone. Which of course I will eventually have to do, if not on the podcast then just to Hilary. But I pretty much just did it. But I've had time. Still. Not an excuse.

I keep thinking, what if you weren't you. Like what if that wasn't Jael and just some regular crazy person? What I did would be just about the creepiest thing ever. And just because it was Jael shouldn't change that. And that's mostly what I'm sorry about. There's also a little bit of chasing you out of the place, if in fact that was the case. But you only missed 1 and three-quarter Square Struts songs because the guy's guitar string broke and when he put a new one on and was testing it, he broke that one. He was pulling on it though and when he looked up at me all bewildered I said, "Kind of saw that one coming." So I suppose I ought to apologize to him as well. after that he kind of threw his guitar down and walked out.

I'm also kind of sorry because my sister saw me do that. And I've always bucked the idea that I'm somebody she should and/or does look to to emulate, but I've never felt like I failed in that more than I did Monday night. So I guess I should apologize to her too. But I won't. Because that'd be weird. Like something you'd see on TV. Where I saw you. And I should have kept it that way.