The Worstest

So. The Worst list this year could for seriously go on forever. Which is nice since it seems like maybe I enjoy them more nowadays than I do things that are supposedly good. But I've limited myself anyway. These probably don't need explanations, but they get them anyway.

1) The Producers - You know the face the people in the audience make when they're watching Springtime For Hitler? That's the face I had the whole movie. And I thought maybe I was just upset that they'd tarnished the original, but that has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's just completely awful all by its lonesome.

Reason to watch it anyway: See how unbelievably bad a famous and otherwise not terrible actor can be.

2) Black Cloud - I thought this one had things sewn up most of the year. It was one of those things that I'd never heard of, and just showed up at the theater, excited to be surprised. But as I walked into the theater, I made the mistake of looking at the poster. Directed by Rick Schroeder. Woe is me.

Reason to watch it anyway: Rick Schroeder's best performance. For serious. He directed himself very well. And then forgot to pay attention to anything else.

3) Son Of The Mask - It seems too easy. Like it should have been one of those sequels nobody even noticed happened, like the ones to Cruel Intentions or The Skulls. And then it wouldn't have counted. And I would never have thought to see it. But it was there. With fairly decent people in it. One even looked forward to viewing Jamie Kennedy's Jim Carrey impression. And while we were so so so wrong to think that, it was that baby that made this so horrendous and unwatchable. And not just because it looked alternately stupid and creepy.

Reason to watch it anyway: Watch Alan Cumming struggle to do the completely illogical things his character is called upon to do.

4) Nobody Wants Your Film - Alexandre Rockwell couldn't get the money to finish his awful movie so he commandeered the scant footage some guy had been shooting behind the scenes and tried to turn that into a documentary about the injustice of not getting the money to finish an awful movie. The result was even more awful. Partly because there's not enough stuff to fill a feature length movie and so the picture will loop or slow or stop altogether to elongate it. And not in the cool/funny John Woo way. But mostly because it whines so transparently while really just a promotional piece for investors. I hope no one was fooled. Though 13 Moons did get finished eventually.

Reason to watch it anyway: David Proval

5) Lords Of Dogtown - Wow. Stacy Peralta writes his own life story. And gets it wrong. Which we would never have noticed if he hadn't released a documentary about himself a year before. But apparently even that was sort of wrong too. Just one of the most self-indulgent disguised as ensemb le pieces ever created. That, or one of the most subtly crafted parodies ever made.

Reason to watch it anyway: Well, the list is really endless. Emile Hirsch's dance of seduction. Victor Rasuk's angry face. Johnny Knoxville's beyond over the top villain. Heath Ledger's Val-Kilmer-as-Jim-Morrison impression. Truly amazing all around.

6) Alone In The Dark - Again, very easy. Uwe Boll can be counted on to make this list every year, and with the most narrow of genres, the video game adaptation (he may do it twice this year.) He either thinks he's making the most mass-appeal movies in Hollywood history or he honestly doesn't care. And he shouldn't since he gets his money from foreign investors who wouldn't keep supplying his crap to us if it wasn't profitable somewhere in the world.

Reason to watch it anyway: Tara Reid as an "anthropologist."

7) Cursed - You'd think the problem with this movie would be that everyone was so bored with it, having done it all before (most of the film was lost somehow and they had to reshoot everything.) But instead, they apparently decided to prevent boredom (their own anyway) by filling the movie with random (and obsolete) inside-Hollywood references. Oh, and werewolves. But I guess that was there before too.

Reason to watch it anyway: Christina Ricci catches a fly with chopsticks as a way of showing us she is becoming a werewolf. I guess Danielsan was a werewolf too.

8) High Tension - If you don't know what the "twist" is within fifteen minutes, you are an idiot. And even if you somehow didn't figure it out and still cared to after those same fifteen minutes, you are still an idiot. Just one of the worst excuses to pour red corn syrup on the floor of an old house. And a van. And a girl.

Reason to watch it anyway: You know that giant blue alien woman who sings the space opera in The Fifth Element? Yeah, she's in it for a little bit. I guess she's okay. But nobody digs space rocks out of her stomach, so don't get excited.

9) XXX: State Of The Union - It seemed like they realized how silly the first one was and were going to embrace it, what with Ice Cube and Xibit. But no. They really did think thay had an urban James Bond on their hands. Thank you for not proving them right everyone, by the way. There are so many crazy plot holes in this movie that you start to believe it's being done on purpose. Then Samuel L. Jackson says something like "We have to go off the grid on this" and you know they're not. Poor Samuel L. Jackson.

Reason to watch it anyway: lines like this one with which the President starts his State Of The Union address, "The state of our union... is strong."

10) Stealth - The only one listed here that I will surely watch again. And again. It is the Torque of its day. Which granted, is only like 500 days after Torque's, so that didn't last long. It's wall-to-wall terrible lines with a fantastic lightning-induced Artificial Intelligence scene right in the middle. Which can't even be called a plot device since it wasn't necessary at all. They had a brilliant (seriously) reason for the plane going rouge without it, but they go and do it anyway. Genius!

Reason to watch anyway: um, everything

(The Fog, Palindromes, Elizabethtown, The Brothers Grimm, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith)

Brokeback Mountain Will Not Cure Your Headache

Heath Ledger is angry. Not the yelling demonstrative kind of angry. The kind you keep inside, except for the concentrated amount you let vent out the eyes. I mean, how else is the Academy going to tell you're acting laconic and not just being laconic? So yeah, he's that kind. The self-imolating kind that's really only presenting itself as anger. It's really that self-loathing stuff that is the staple of any 7 million dollar low budget independent movie produced by a thriving subsidiary of Universal. Anyway, it all comes roaring out when a pick up truck almost hits him on his way to the bar. He walks around and punches the driver through the open window a few times before trying to pull him out of the vehicle, only to get beat by the giant inside.

It is here, and not back in the gay tent, that we can draw the line between a regular movie and the kind that have hopes for awards. The kind that don't give you what you want. (Some might say this a different way, that they don't give you what you expect. But that's not it at all.) This is not to say that just because Jet Li hits Bob Hoskins in Unleashed that it is inherently a better movie (even though it is), just that it's not going for the same reaction. Which generally consists of someone yelling "Ohhhh!" or "Daaaaamn!" which one can get just as easily from something as dizzingly presented as Unleashed as with something as idiotic as Transporter 2. And so those are lumped together and are thereby inferior to the Brokeback Mountains and Constant Gardeners that are paraded out just as calculatingly as the aforementioned "popcorn movies." These are the movies that are lauded because they make us think. Now, I'm not going to try and extol the virtues Unleashed could potentially have on your philosophical and political stance. You wouldn't believe me anyway. But at least Unleashed gives us the choice as to whether or not we want to think. We can enjoy it on a purely visceral level like the guy behind us who's thrashing around in his seat with his "Oh, shit!"s and his violent encouragements or we can choose to take in everything we are presented with, thankful for both. Certainly one cannot say that Brokeback Mountain doesn't make us think at least a little. Even the people leaving the theater before the first cameoflaged homosexual sex scene can finish so abruptly have to be thinking something. Even if it is whatever Bill O'Reilly told them to think. But it's forcing us to. There is no way to make that "Oh shit!" kid sit through this movie, gay sex or no. And it's not the lack of violence and it's not the "subtlety" of the performances or the barely perceptible political messages. It's because the movie never gives him anything he wants.

It's the very same principle that he will not read Of Mice And Men because his English teacher wants him to. He has to exercise his right to choose even if it goes against what he might end up enjoying and dare we say it, thinking about, if left alone. But Focus Features doesn't truly want those kids to see their movies. They don't want to make $200 million dollars. Then they'd be like the Coldplay of the indie film world. They'd be ridiculed. They'll take their paltry $80 million and make the next Brokeback Mountain. Because they don't want us to get what we want. They want to force to think, and think their way. And then get rewarded for it.

Daily Like

So the point of all this was, at least in part, to do something everyday. And it's not as if I've failed in that already, but it sure feels like it. And not just because I have nothing to say. Because I could probably type about Survivor for like eighteen pages, even though not a whole lot happened on it. But is that really what I came here for? Answer me, imaginary audience!

But then, nothing more interesting than watching Survivor is going to happen to me. Certainly not everyday. So what happens here has to come strictly from my head. Which might be even less interesting than watching Survivor. Not that watching Survivor is boring. Obviously. But if that's all you've got, and it is, well, that sounds a lot like trouble. And no, adding House or The Amazing Race doesn't help.

So now I'm talking to myself. That's probably not so good either. And I can't even pretend that I didn't already know this was a terrible idea. As the title of the last post will indicate.

So why are you here, Blog? Why did you call to me? Why did you say, "Hey. Dummy. This is the only public place anything you ever write has a chance of exisiting, so why don't you get started?" Is that what you said? Because that's really horrible. Of me. For answering.

Is it a really good essay that is the goal with a blog? Like every day or every week one wants to posit something new? Or interesting or whatever. New. Funny. Touching? I suppose the idea is that Reuters will somehow read it and keep track and hire you. Which would be so delusional if Reuters didn't actually do that once in a while. Seriously, Reuters, why would you do that? You played right into blogger hands.

Not that I didn't already, but I really hate the word "blog" too. In fact, I wish I could consider it a term instead of a word. But I suppose I am way too late.

So how do I turn this into a good essay now? I mean, without going back and editing. Because that's too much work. I suppose I have to tie things together. That's the rule in conclusion paragraphs, right Mrs. Betta? (See, now that makes it personal.) I don't think I have anything. I've kind of written a lot today and I think I might be a little tired. Burned out even. This Reuters job better be cushy. Maybe I could cover Survivor for them.

This Is A Terrible Idea

Sure, it looks nice enough. Generically speaking. And there may come a time when I might say something I'll then later be happy was recorded, regardless of the method. But it still can't be a good idea.

And this font. What is that? This is what's standard? Okay, fine. I'll change it next time. For now, I am but a novice. And oh how I hope that never changes.

So. The why. I suppose just to do something. Writing wise. Because as opposed as I have been to the idea of writing for the sake of writing or, and especially, writing about writing, I suppose I have accepted that either ought to supercede not writing.

And now I hate the word "writing."